Who I am Hates Who I've Been
by WhiteCloud139
Summary: "I'm trying to tell you that I'm not that person anymore!" The words reverberated in her mind nonetheless. And try as she might as she served breakfast to her ragtag little family, she could not keep them from bouncing around her head, resounding in her ears. One shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own ATLA**

* * *

The sun cast its morning rays across the sky, threading it with the soft pinks and oranges of a lingering dawn. It shone down on a solitary figure, illuminating him as he sat on the ledge meditating. All around him the noises of the world could be heard as nature woke up and started a new day. Faint noises could also be heard as the inhabitants of the Western Air Temple slowly began to rise and move around.

Zuko's eyes opened. He observed the calm picture around him and how the sun touched every part of it. The sun. The essence of firebending. He turned his face up to let the sun bathe him in its warmth. Closing his eyes again, he inhaled deeply and thought about what the dragon masters had shown them. He still was astounded at how simple and beautiful firebending could be if you only looked deep enough. Exhaling slowly, he thought about that whole trip; it had only been a week ago and yet he felt that he had come so far in that time. Not only in his firebending strength, but also in his understanding of many things. The Avat – well, Aang had greatly improved in his firebending as well. Though he would be much more focused in Zuko's opinion if the Water Tribe girl – _Stop_, he mentally scolded himself. _They are my allies now, not my enemies. They are not targets, they are people. Her name is Katara._

He shook his head. It was still hard for him to actually say their names, especially to himself. He really was trying though. It was just hard to shake old habits…

Which brought him back to his previous thought, as he considered Katara's habit of watching him every time he trained with Aang, to make sure he didn't "step out of line". It was distracting. The A – Aang mooned over her like a lovesick puppy and every time she said or did something that caught his attention he would begin showing off. It was immensely frustrating to Zuko. He didn't even understand the boy's attraction to her, other than the fact that she doted on him like her child. Sure, she was kind, caring, and motherly – to everyone else, but…

An image flashed before his eyes of Katara perched on a rock outside of their training area, the way the sun glinted off her dark brown locks, making her sea blue eyes sparkle, the way it illuminated her face. He had been mesmerized by her sheer beauty and as a result of losing his focus, Aang had knocked him into the wall with a fireblast. Totally embarrassed he had picked himself up and glanced in her direction as Aang ran over apologizing. She had seen the whole thing and her face was lit up with mirth. Zuko wasn't sure whether to be more embarrassed or just happy.

The memory faded and Zuko relented. Okay, so he could see the attraction. She was beautiful. But she was also out to get him and lethal. Not a good combination. Point being, her presence at their training sessions unnerved him. And while he understood her mistrust – he winced as he remembered that day – it was starting to bother him. Everyone else accepted him, had seen that he had changed. No one else sat in on his training with Aang, except sometimes Sokka who just came over to poke fun at them "jerkbending" as he called it. None of Aang's other training sessions were observed. _Yeah, but no one else spent the last year trying to capture him either,_ he reminded himself. He sighed and put his face in his hands, the beauty of his surroundings forgotten as visions of his beautiful blue-eyed tormentor swam before his eyes. _How can I make this right?_ He thought. _ I know I have to. I know I want to. But how?_

A few moments passed as Zuko stared blankly at the chasm before him. Something flew right in front of him, startling him out of his reverie. Zuko looked around quickly to see if he was still alone. Finding nothing else in the area, he shook himself and took a deep breath with the aim to go back to meditating when he felt a presence next to him. Turning his head slowly, Zuko wondered who or what on earth it could be to have come up so quietly. _That's what you get for spacing out_, he chided himself. Zuko wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know who was next to him, but he turned his head and found himself looking into a pair of inquisitive bright green eyes.

"Oh. Hi Momo." He said letting out a sigh. Momo chirped and cocked his head at Zuko. He seemed to decide that Zuko had nothing interesting for him and took off. Zuko watched him go, feeling incredibly stupid. He had woken up this morning to watch the sun rise, like he did every morning, with the intention of meditating. He had let Aang sleep in for once, partially because he had worked him really hard the day before and Katara had kept him late practicing because of the full moon. But also partially because he had need time to think. To sort through everything that had been taking place. And what did he accomplish? "Not much." He muttered. "I made myself so jumpy thinking about Katara that I got caught unaware and scared…by a lemur…"

Zuko groaned and flopped on his back. So much for meditating and solving problems..

The noises from their "camp" became louder as Zuko stared up at the post-dawn sky. He wished things could always be this peaceful.

* * *

Katara woke feeling invigorated. The sun was already out and a little higher than it usually was when she got up, but she didn't mind. She had been up late. Bending last night under the full moon had been wonderful. She had been able to show Aang a few new moves that for her generally required the extra boost the full moon gave, but being the Avatar he would probably be able to accomplish at any time. She had stayed up after their training session had ended to have some precious time to herself. It had been just what she needed. She completely immersed herself in her element, gave herself over to the power of Tui and La, energy coursing through her – she couldn't remember the last time she had felt so alive.

Today was going to be a good day, she could feel it. Katara got up and walked quietly out to the cooking area. As she got the fire going again and started heating water up for breakfast, her thoughts again turned to the previous evening. It was a good thing she had let Aang go to bed when she did, the poor kid was getting run ragged with all his training – getting up at sunrise for firebending practice…Katara's head shot up in alarm as she realized she had slept in past sunrise and therefore was not watching Zuko and Aang's training session. She stood up quickly, almost knocking the cooking pot over in the process, looking around and listening for the tell-tale noises of a firebending sparring match but hearing nothing. She started to walk towards the area where they usually practiced when she recalled seeing Aang curled up next to Appa as she had left her room. She relaxed. So Zuko had let him sleep in. Well, that was thoughtful of him. _Wait what?_ She caught herself and stopped before her mind could take it any farther. _Since when do I think of Zuko as being anything but awful? Being capable of being anything other than lies and betrayal? No, _she shook her head to herself, _I don't. I haven't changed my mind about him. _It had been a few weeks since he joined the group and if she were being honest he hadn't actually done anything but try to help Aang like he said he would. But there was a part of her that just could not forgive him or trust him. _I don't believe that he's changed like he claims to._

She walked back over to start cooking breakfast, deciding to use some of their precious flavoring this morning to change up the pace. The delicious smell of cinnamon wafted up and around the area and Katara began to hear rustling as the rest of the group started waking up, tempted from their slumber by the promise of breakfast. Slowly they began to emerge from the temple, all but Zuko. Katara couldn't help but wonder where he was, only, she hastily told herself, so that she could keep tabs on him and make sure he wasn't up to anything. _"I'm trying to tell you that I'm not that person anymore!" _Katara started as his words from the first day he'd appeared at the Western Air Temple came back to her. _Yeah right,_ she told the memory. _You've changed and I'm a platypus bear._ The words reverberated in her mind nonetheless. And try as she might as she served breakfast to her ragtag little family, she could not keep them from bouncing around her head, resounding in her ears.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Zuko this morning?" asked Aang as he rubbed his palms into his eyes trying to erase the last vestiges of sleep from them.

A chorus of sleepy "no's" answered him.

"Oh, okay," said Aang, nodding in thanks as Katara passed him a bowl of cinnamon oats.

"Shouldn't we try to find him?" asked Teo. "He's going to miss breakfast."

Katara snorted derisively. "If he wants to eat he'll show up. He knows when we eat."

The group was silent for a moment at her tone of voice. Sokka broke the silence by saying, "Well his loss, more of this yummy goodness for me!" And reached out for the ladle to fill his bowl a second time.

Toph shook her head in disgust. Maybe the rest of the group could ignore Katara's obvious hate of Zuko, but to be quite frank it was getting on her nerves. "Now hang on just a minute Snoozles," she said as Sokka finished filling his bowl. "No one gets seconds until everyone has had firsts you know that."

"Yeah, but he's not here and who knows if he'll show up? I can't let this precious food go to waste!" argued Sokka, not terribly convincingly.

"Well then someone will just have to find him and bring him a bowl, since I'm guessing setting one aside down here would not work out too well," said Toph. The rest of the group all seemed very intent on eating all of a sudden. Toph crossed her arms over her chest. This was absurd. Aang moved to get up, but Katara said, "No Aang you need to finish eating before you start training today. You'll run yourself ragged and then what good will you be?"

"But Katara, I can bring it to him and then we can start our session."

"Makes sense," mumbled Sokka.

Katara glared at her brother. "No buts Aang. You eat. Like I said, if _Zuko_," her voice dripping with contempt, "cares to eat he can do it on his own."

"This is ridiculous Sugar Queen!" Toph burst out. "He needs his strength just as much as Aang does, if he's going to be teaching the Avatar. And if none of you care enough to stop stuffing your faces or being heartless," she glared up at Katara, "then _I_ will go find him to give him some breakfast!" She stood up and stomped down hard. With and small yelp of shock and protest Sokka's full bowl was knocked right out of his hands by a piece of the earth. Toph caught it deftly and marched out of the camp, leaving wide-eyed and silent companions staring after her.

* * *

Zuko sat up abruptly, alert – but not as aware as he should have been. He must have drifted off in the sunlight, only to be startled out of his peaceful repose by a loud thud. Why did it sound like someone earthbending? It was too early for that, earthbending training happed _after_ firebending. Maybe someone had gotten into an argument? _That's the more likely cause,_ he thought slightly groggily. His body tensed and became fully attentive to his surroundings as he heard his name being called somewhere in the distance. He waited, straining to hear if the voice called out again, silently praying to all the gods that it was not Katara out hunting for him – he was just not ready to deal with that yet this morning. So intent was he on listening for the voice and distressed by the thought of why she might be looking for him that he missed the entrance of someone onto his ledge.

"Ah-hem."

Zuko started so violently, that as he tried to whip his head around to see who the intruder was, he lost all sense of balance and landed on his chest with his hands twisted underneath him. Zuko blushed slightly as a familiar snickering filled the air. Taking a deep breath he started to untangle himself, hoping his racing heart would slow down as well. He looked up and saw Toph with one hand clutching her side and the other trying not to spill a very full bowl of something.

"Scare easy much Sparky?" Toph said, still laughing.

"Good morning to you too Toph," Zuko grumbled, annoyed at having been caught unawares for a second time that morning. He really needed to pull it together. This was unacceptable.

"Hey now, don't be all grumpy with me! It was too good an opportunity to miss. Besides I brought you breakfast," she said as she held out the bowl to him like a peace offering.

Whatever was in the bowl smelled mouthwatering. Zuko's stomach growled and for the first time he realized how hungry he was.

"Thanks," he said, somewhat mollified as he stood and took the bowl from her hands. "It's just been kind of a frustrating morning for me."

"Yeah tell me about it," she said with a slight edge to her voice.

Zuko paused, the bowl at his lips and looked down at the younger girl scuffing her foot in the dirt. Catching the tone of her voice he briefly closed his eyes, sighed, then set the bowl down. "Okay, what happened down there? I thought I heard someone earthbending."

"Oh you know, Twinkletoes and Mustache boy decided to practice sculpting this morning and Sugar Q— "

"Toph," Zuko interrupted, trying to be patient. "Aang and Haru would have made a lot more noise than what I heard. What really happened?"

Toph sat down and was quiet for a moment. Zuko was surprised; this was uncharacteristic behavior for the earthbender. Whatever had gone on must have really bothered her. He sat down next to her and waited for her to break the silence.

"It's so stupid!" she exclaimed. Zuko looked at her startled by her vehemence. "Everything seemed so peaceful this morning and then Sugar Queen had to go and get on her high horse –" and Toph related the story of what had happened that morning at breakfast. Zuko winced and put his head in his hands as she repeated Katara's words to him. This was getting out of hand, he needed to do something, talk to her somehow – convince her…but how?

"…so then I yelled at them for being pansies, stole Sokka's bowl, and came up here to find you," she said as she finished her rant. Zuko nodded absently. "Honestly Zuko," she continued more seriously, "I don't know what you did to make Katara hate you _this _intensely," she paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well okay, I could probably make a few educated guesses –" Zuko made a face. " – but this is getting overly ridiculous. I know we can't be the only ones tired of listening to her attitude. We're all on the same team now. Isn't there some way you can try to fix it?"

"I don't know Toph," Zuko replied a note of defeat in his voice. "I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something I could do, something I could say…but I've got nothing. I guess I'm not very good at this sort of thing."

"Hmm," said Toph. "Well what would your uncle say to do?"

Zuko's heart constricted at the thought of his uncle, there was no telling where he might be at now. He just hoped that wherever Iroh was, he was alright and that they would both live long enough so that Zuko could apologize and make him proud. But first things first.. "Umm..I don't know, probably something like, '_In order to find peace, one must first experience anger'_ or _'The true test of a man comes when he is facing down a dragon' _or _'A timid man cannot hope to tame a komodo-rhino' _ or…" Zuko trailed off, clutching at straws, knowing he was sounding more and more absurd with every phrase.

"Not gonna lie Sparky, none of that made much sense," said Toph matter of factly. "But good job for trying."

Zuko hung his head and Toph patted him none too gently on the back. "I'm not very good at this either," she admitted, "and I'm certainly no substitute for Iroh, but all metaphors aside I think he would tell you…well, that deep down you know what you need to do, so stop being such a pansy and just do it!"

"You're probably right Toph," he said smiling half-heartedly at her, trying to imagine his uncle saying those exact words.

"Of course I'm right! I'm the Blind Bandit and the world's first metalbender! I know all!" she said dramatically, standing to leave. "Just do it Zuko, for all our sakes, please." He nodded and she punched him in the shoulder. "Oh and I'd hurry up and eat those oats before the lemurs get to them," she tossed back over her shoulder. "Katara used the last of the cinnamon in them, don't want to let that go to waste."

Zuko looked around hurriedly and snatched his bowl back just in time, saving it from Momo's sticky paws. He held onto it and warmed the oats, inhaling the heavenly scent. '_She's right you know' _Iroh's voice echoed in Zuko's mind. _'You need to stop hiding in the shadows and say what is on your heart.' _"I know Uncle," Zuko muttered to himself. "It's just not that easy." _'No one ever said it would be, but it is the right thing.'_ He nodded, agreeing with the wise voice in his mind. He finished the bowl and set it aside, stood up and stretched out his neck. Distantly he heard Aang's excited voice talking to Katara as they neared Zuko's morning hideaway. Zuko sighed.

It was going to be a long training session.

* * *

"Good, Aang," said Zuko as they finished the sequence. "I think you've got that one down. Do it once more without me and we'll wrap it up for the day."

"Whatever you say, sifu Hotman!"

Zuko's palm hit his forehead and he let out a small groan. Whatever he said he could not seem to get Aang to stop calling him that silly name. It wasn't the worst nickname to have been given – Sokka won that title, seriously where did the guy come up with all those stupid nicknames? But still, Zuko would rather not be referred to as "hotman"..well at least not by Aang. _Whoa there buddy, let's not go there quite yet. There are other more important things that need to be taken care of first._ Zuko sighed, trying to quiet his mind down. Yes, the nickname was annoying but he was learning how to pick his battles and where to channel his energy. He snuck a glance at Katara, who was sitting against the temple wall watching Aang go through his form. Her eyes began to narrow and Zuko looked away quickly before she had time to realize he was watching her. He turned back to his pupil, but didn't register much of what he observed, his mind was preoccupied with what he was gearing up to do.

Aang finished with a flourish and the sound of Katara's clapping brought Zuko back into focus.

"That was wonderful Aang!" Katara exclaimed.

"Thanks Katara!" Aang replied with a big grin on his face. "What did you think Zuko?"

"Looked good Aang," he said, trying not to appear too distracted. "Firebending's done for today. Why don't you go take a break before earthbending training."

Aang's smile faded a little bit, earthbending was his least favorite style. "Good idea. There was another part of the temple I wanted to go check out, I think I'll go do that!" He grabbed his staff and was about to run off when he remembered they hadn't formally ended the session. He stopped and turned to Zuko. "Thank you," he said bowing in respect.

"You're welcome," Zuko returned the gesture and smiled. "Go on, get to your exploring before Toph decides to start early or something."

Aang needed no second prompting and took off with a wave. Zuko stood watching him get smaller in the sky, wrapped up in his thoughts.

"You weren't at breakfast this morning."

Zuko jumped, inwardly cursing himself. Three times today! He really needed to talk to her and get this off his chest so he wouldn't be so distracted anymore. He turned to look at Katara, who was standing a few feet behind him, her customary frown in place, and that special disapproving hatred in her eyes that she seemed to reserve just for him.

"I know," he said slowly. "I came up here early to try and meditate, to clear my thoughts. Thank you," he added, "for cooking. The oats were delicious; cinnamon is one of my favorite spices."

She snorted and moved to turn away. Zuko mentally slapped himself. _Don't babble dummy. Don't waste precious time, just say what you have to say while she's here!_

"Katara…" he faltered as she turned to glare at him. _You can do this_, Iroh's voice said to him gently,_ just be honest._ Zuko took a deep breath and continued. "Katara I need to talk to you. Will you please hear me out?"

She held up a hand and started walking away. "Really not in the mood jerkbender. You said your piece before and I've said mine. Nothing's changed. You haven't changed, I know it. You aren't capable of –"

"This is ridiculous!" Zuko exploded waving his arms in the air. "This is what I want to talk about Katara! It's starting to affect the rest of the group, or haven't you noticed? Are you really so wrapped up in your hate for me that you can't see what it's doing to those around you?"

She stopped short and turned, fists tight, her blue eyes boring in to his. "How dare you?" she accused. "How – "

Zuko held up his hands, "Katara, please just listen to me this once and I swear I will leave you alone. Deal?"

Katara said nothing but crossed her arms and stood silently. Zuko took this as a good sign and plunged ahead. "Do you remember the day I met you guys here? I told you that I wasn't the same person I used to be. And I'm not. I have changed. I've realized who I am, who I want to be. But in that process I've also learned that in order to change and be at peace, I had to accept the things I had done in the past. I had to stop running and own my actions. To move on from there. It was no place to try and live my life. Who I am now may hate the person I have been, but I can only move forward and try to be a better person. Because you can't change the past, even if you made mistakes."

"Mistakes?" Katara said, disgusted. "You know you're right. You can't change the past. And you have made far too many _mistakes_," the word dripped like poison from her mouth, "to fix." She began to walk away once more and Zuko sighed in defeat. He'd botched it. Again. No! He would not let her walk away until he said all that needed saying.

"Katara, wait!" She stopped but kept her back to him, her anger clearly displayed in the tension in her body. Zuko steeled his nerves; he knew this had been coming but that didn't make him any more excited about it. "Listen, I know I screwed up. And I don't just mean with the whole chasing you guys everywhere bit –" She whipped around, a terrifying look in her eyes and Zuko held his hands up defensively and hurried on. "What I mean to say is that well, that I…I," he licked his lips nervously and cast his eyes to the ground, trying to build up the courage he needed.

"You what Zuko?" Katara hissed. "You screwed up by messing with our lives from the day we found Aang? For trying to destroy the last chance for peace? For – "

"I screwed up with you!" he said vehemently, looking her directly in the eyes. Katara stopped, mouth slightly ajar at his exclamation and her eyes widened at the intensity of his gaze. Zuko continued, pouring all his emotion into it, trying to convey what words alone could not. "I understand that you hate me. I understand that it mainly is because I broke your trust. There was a line drawn and in Ba Sing Se. I crossed it. I shouldn't have. I wish I hadn't. I said things and did things that I would take back in a heartbeat if I could. I was blind to what was in front of me. I was clinging to the desperate hope of regaining the love of a father, a family, having my honor restored. It was all that had kept me going for the last three years! In the end, all I got were lies and loneliness. I know now that what I was looking for was within my reach – in my uncle and…in you. You accepted me. And I blew it. I crossed the line, I stepped on your heart, and broke your trust. I am so sorry for the person I became that day. I'm sorry that it took this long for me to truly change. But I know without a doubt I never want to be that way again, and I want to do everything in my power to help the Avatar finish this war. And I will do everything I can to try and show you that I have changed for the better." Zuko paused to take a breath. Katara had broken their staring contest and was looking off to the side. He noticed her trembling and hoped she wasn't about to water whip him in to next week. But he wasn't done. "I hope that you will see it and even if you never trust me again…well I hope someday you can forgive me because…" he trailed off as he saw tears threatening to spill down Katara's cheeks. He made to move towards her but she turned around and fled leaving Zuko alone on the cliff. Zuko stared at where she had been standing, slightly in shock at her reaction and abrupt disappearance. Regaining his composure, he turned to the chasm stretching out endlessly to the horizon and said "…because you mean a lot to me."

His words were swallowed up by the void, leaving Zuko as alone as he had been that morning. He sighed, sat down and ran his hand through his hair. Well, he'd tried.


End file.
